Saturday, September 24, 2005
I'm in the walawala. I had a blast at wala wala. Now, do not jump into conclusions for there was no boozing or bartop dancing. I was there in broad daylight. Today saw me at wala wala, supporting miss small and the band who was competing in power jams 2005. I must say that it was a delightful experience and I actually found myself sitting through till the end. I could really do without the ciggie smoke though. Really. After everything came to an end, I made my way to town to meet a friend for the first time after about 6 years for dinner. I've nothing to say about that. I had a good time chatting though. Now, let's just move on.
Lately, I feel emotionally detached from the real world. I often find my mind dwelling on the past and more often than not, I find my heart being stabbed all over again. It comes across to me as uncanny how I love to make myself reconcile with the hurt that I very much wanted to get rid of. Okay nevermind. Forget my i-like-to-get-hurt-and-i-am-immuned-to-it-since-people-seem-to-enjoy-letting-me-down fetish. Right now, I am consumed by anger and I am completely frustrated with a particular someone. If M wants to maintain a friendship, M has to get off my back because at the rate things are going, I can only foresee myself hating M more than ever.
I can't wait for everything to be over. I can't wait to get out from everything. I can't wait to embrace life all over again. But I would be a hypocrite if I were to disagree that being a student is a way of life. I just want to stop doing everything that I've been doing all this while, momentarily. I want to accomplish things which I never got the chance to, in the course of fighting this 3-year long battle. So yea, 44 more days to the start of the final lap. Tourism essay and 7 drqs tomorrow. Yabadabadoo.
Sometimes I wonder why there are still people who bother to read my blog. Just look at the crap I've written. I suck.
Kwinella @ 10:59 PM!
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
A lesson learnt. "other people always let you down. why don't you do something nice for yourself."
Oh, I've watched Uptown Girls. A simple but heartwarming movie.
Kwinella @ 10:49 PM!
So I was supposed to be in school for badminton today but my friend was sick and so it had to be called off. Bored to my wits' end, I decided to use the 10 dollars mother had given me to pay for the netball photos to rent vcds. I spent a total of 8 on 4 vcds. So to sum up my tuesday, I spent all afternoon till about 8 watching confessions of a teenage drama queen, notting hill and shall we dance. I'm left with Uptown girls and I have no idea when I'm going to watch it. I couldn't carry on being a couch potato because my sister was bugging me to quit hogging the television. It's not as if it's the only tv in the house. For the love of God, there are 2 more television sets conveniently located in one of the rooms and the living room. To top it all off, they're both within minimal walking distance. Our house is not that big, you know. Sometimes, we humans just love to find fault with each other. It's truly a world of bagai anjing dengan kucing situation that I live in. No compromise.
And so it's back to school tomorrow. Ohhh the drudgery of post prelims; getting back the papers, realising how obvious the answers are and how easy the paper actually is. Oh the frustration. How can I forget the pending snide remarks from a certain subject tutor. The perks of being a student. Life is indeed a bed of roses. heh. It is a good thing though, that tomorrow is a short day considering the fact that there are 3 periods of geography and 3 periods of gp both of which, I am not looking forward to. I want all the papers back on the same day so that I could get over being so disappointed with myself, learn from my mistakes and get on with what is left of revision. But knowing that my teachers are not bionic in any way, I can forget about getting back the papers in a jiffy.
Since the day was spent doing nothing constructive (nor destructive. ha ha), I hope to get back on track with my studies as soon as possible. My parents are bugging me to start revising again. They made it sound as if I haven't been studying for a week. You can imagine the din that went on while I was watching the movies. One was yakking about how I was celebrating as if everything's over and done with while the other I think, was happily on a fart-a-thon. No prizes for guessing who's who. For goodness' sake, let me just take a day off.
Okay, this bit will have nothing to do with any of the aforementioned. You know, I was really astonished when it came to me that sometimes, when you least expect something to befall you and it does, it can be overwhelming to the extent of suffocation. And when you yearn for something, it hardly comes by and sometimes you may or not be disappointed. Most of the time, I would tell myself not to expect so much or anything at all. But as of late, I have no idea what to do anymore. There have been times when I wish that everything would go away so that I can study in peace.
Kwinella @ 8:04 PM!
Monday, September 19, 2005
I never understood before. I never knew what love was for. Although 2005 has not come to an end, I think I can safely conclude that it has been a pretty rough year for most of us. Worldly matters like Hurricane Katrina, bird flu, dengue cases and plane crashes aside, let us for once, look into the most trivial of things. Let us look into ourselves and the wounds that were never really healed and are possibly still fresh. I never knew that something as pure and innocent as love has the capacity to cause much harm. I never knew the chaos and hurt it could inflict on someone. 2005 saw a series of brokenheart and unfortunate incidents not only for me but for friends dear to me and even mere acquaintances.
Gossips on tabloid spread like wildfire, the frequency of people dumping, getting dumped, traumatised because of a stupid heartache is somewhat the likes of it. (Not quite sure if it made sense but what the hell) But I urge you, my fellow compadres, to pick yourself up and the pieces of your shattered hopes and dreams. If you always fall in love and end up hurting yourself, then why bother falling? Is it that thrilling? There are other nice things to fall into, you know...
Like into the arms of Jude Law and falling in chocolate. Pretty orgasmic. ha ha ha.
By the way, I was singing that Kau Pergi Jua song earlier this evening and when I heard that Azmir sing it on Anugerah, I find myself in love with that song all over again. I'm a sucker for old songs.
Kwinella @ 10:20 PM!
I was ecstatic when the clock turned 11 exactly. I couldn't wait to get home and get 9673452394 winks that were lost in the course of preparing for the preliminary examinations. Now that this part of the marathon has come to a conclusion, I shall now start to torment myself with negative possibilities. Despite feeling accomplished for having prepared for this prelim exams, losing sleep over it and ohhh, let's not forget all the weight gained... I still have a hunch that I won't be able to meet my target. Let's just blame it on the fact that misinterpreted some questions and I spent a little too much time on certain questions. My time management sucks.
But anyways, since it has all been done, what I can do is hope and pray for the best. I would be disappointed if the turnout is not exactly what I had imagined it to be but I have no regrets for I know I've given my best. Now, the last lap is up and coming. With only 49 days left, it's amazing that I can still be thrilled about the game of badminton tomorrow in school. Oh well, a certain home tutor did say that we should take a breather and rest for a couple of days before we get back on track and begin to slog like mad again. I second him on that. haha. So yes, I did what any human in the right mind who had just went through continuous word vomit for a week or so would do and that was to sleep as soon as I got back. So there I was, soundly asleep on my mother's bed before she went for her medical check up at nuh and 2 hours later when she got back, I was still there kopet, lying on her bed. I was getting chills (mind you, the weather had already gotten hot at this point of time) and so I got out of bed and quickly showered lest I was going to catch a cold. Anyways, I can't wait for the best friend to leave because I still have 3 friggin' days to fast so that I can complete my qada'. I didn't get to the the sunnah in rejab because I was frantically trying to qada' my fasts and it looks like syaaban will be spent completing what is left of my qada'. I feel so guilty. Dah nak Ramadhan baru nak terkial-kial qada' puasa. It's so unbecoming la.
Anyway. Today on my way home, I sat at the bus stop long enough sampai kalau kucing nak beranak, dah terberanak pun, to wait for the feeder service. While waiting, I stared into the road on the side. I was so consumed in my thoughts which was at God-knows where and I saw a bus filled with muslimins and muslimahs clad in tudung and songkok. Within a glance, they all looked like madrasah students but then I realised they looked a tad too old to be madrasah students. It was then I realised that the bus was the pengurus jenazah and behind the bus was a van transporting the jenazah. I found it funny that behind these vehicles were 2 wedding cars beautifully decorated with colourful and fresh blooms. It's uncanny how the world seems so perfect as both death and a new beginning laid right before my very eyes. I found it even more astonishing when I came to realise that both marked new journeys for the individuals.
Al-fatiha for the deceased, whoever he/she maybe.
Kwinella @ 5:34 PM!
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Was at jp in the afternoon to celebrate the sister's birthday. After lunch at fish & co saw all 5 of us on a shopping spree. From new apparels to undergarments and then to some selekeh sleep-wear. In the midst of the raving mad activity, I felt uncomfortable and had to make my way to the ladies to have a change. And so I rushed to the loo on the same level but only to find that it has been closed for renovation. With the mother of all the inconvenience (the crowd was a pain), I had to go up to the next level with almost an overload napkin (pardon the goriness). But alas, they were cleaning and refused all patrons of jp admission and so I had to go up another level. I was cussing throughout my journey to the loo on the topmost level of jp which, in my opinion, is a fairly huge shopping complex. It ought to have better sanitation services.
There was something else which got on my last nerve and that was, children running around the mall like it's a huge playground altogether. I wasn't an angel as a girl but I knew the difference between a mall and a playground and at least my parents did not choose to be oblivious. If I had kids who run and scream like their grandfather owns the mall, I'd probably give them a tight slap.
And what is it with couples having to snog right smack in the centre of the universe or maybe just the escalator? They're not only getting in the way of others but are also an eyesore. Damn annoying and disgusting. orrghh-look-we're-the-sweetest-couple-in-the-fucking-world or ohh-aren't-we-cute kinda couple you're not!
Kwinella @ 9:32 AM!
jeng jeng jeng. My heartfelt gratitude to Miss I.
My maiden entry for this blog. First and foremost, I want to make it clear that I was not intent on making your lives difficult by deciding to change my url. I've put a lot of thought to this. So I hope you guys will do the necessary. (:
Kwinella @ 2:48 AM!